if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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