I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
