when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
