Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize