he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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