Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
