i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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