can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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