How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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