I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
