Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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