I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
