I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
