Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
