Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
