I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize