There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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