we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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