i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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