so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
