I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
