and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
