God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize