I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
