I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
