Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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