Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
