you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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