so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
