In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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