Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
