what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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