To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize