I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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