For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
