I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize