Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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