Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
