I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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