my phone needs a breathalizer
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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