dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
