Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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