My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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