Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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