proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
