She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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