You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
