This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
