I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize