ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
