you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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