My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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