Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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