Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
