Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
