i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
