And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
