So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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