I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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