Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
