Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
either way he was missing a nipple.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
