Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
its liver damage thursday
Randomize