Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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