the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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