im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Quick, to the slutcave!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
