She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
