dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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