I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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