"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize