I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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