I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize