I wish I only lived at night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
