How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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