I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
