The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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