I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
