I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
