They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
