Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
