My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize