Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You did what with his pubic hair?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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