I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
