i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize