Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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