Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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